30. Crayfish Free Holiday

4th January 2014, Miami Airport, Florida, USA

I love a good tan as unmodern as that might make me. Unfortunately, having a very typical Scandinavian complexion, my plans to come home from holiday with a golden glow generally result in me looking like a boiled crayfish. With blonde hair. That does not make it any cuter.

So, in spite of supposedly knowing much better by now, I still spend every holiday I have trying to accomplish a tan and to date this has resulted in the following:

• Mallorca 1999: Trying to tan wearing giant reflective sun glasses (they were uber cool - all of the Spice Girls had a pair) and no sun lotion. 

Result! Face basically falling off and my mother spending the whole night in dabbing my  face with ice water and some green goo that they give you against everything in Spain, whilst trying to console my 14 year old self who had decided that life was officially over. Upon my return, pretty much everyone I met asked where I'd been skiing in the middle of summer.

• Lanzarote 2003: First holiday away from the parents and first ever holiday with the bestie. Parents come with their kids on their holidays for a reason. I believe that reason is to interfere with a 'No, SPF 6 is most definitely not sufficient'. This is also the trip where I discovered tequila - another reason my parents should have kept me home.

Result! There are pictures of me from said holiday where you can't quite see where my red dress begins and I end.

• Bulgaria 2004: Post graduation trip with the girls, was not only painful due to the poo smelling hotel, the neighbours crawling up on your balcony for a booty call at 3 am or the fact that we at average had to endure Dragostai Din Tei every 15 minutes from 6 AM until.... 6 AM. No, this is where Iearned the lesson that bikini line sun burn is the king of bad sun burn.

Result! Successfully actually got properly ill from overdoing the sun. We're talking fever, the shakes, chocolate flavored morphin (yes, really) and calling home to mum and dad crying for them to come get me. 

• Miami 2008: We were in Miami (bitch) and we were going to party it up between beach sessions. That came to an end on day 2 when the swelling prevented us from walking properly and we therefore remained in air conditioned house arrest, frantically trying to take the redness down by rubbing ourselves with cool soda cans from the mini bar and aloe vera:ing it up every 5 minutes in the vain hope that the blistard would soon go away. It took 2 seasons of America's Next Top Model for that to happen. Thank you for your support Tyra.

Result! Bestie was worse than I for once and her back actually started to resemble a non-Prada leather boot. It wasn't pretty. Really was not. It must however be noted, that by day 4 we were fully recovered and partying it up in Miami (bitch) and not sure my body have quite recovered since.

• Himalayas 2010: Never book holidays in the middle of a break up. You won't find yourself, trust me. In all fairness, I thought that during the rainy season trekking through the jungle up in the Himalayas, the least of my concern would be sunburn. Wild animals trying to kill me, falling of a mountain, getting lost were all more likely causes of agony. And whilst all of these happened, I again came to discover that that sun is one sneaky son of a... Did literally not see it once! But it clearly saw me.

 Result! Sunburn on bed bug bites is not pleasant. Just saying. After burning my scalp - the curse of being a blonde - I was forced by the bestie to wear the least stylish hat there ever was for the rest of the trek, and it may be that lack of showers should have been higher priority at the time. But I really hated that hat.

Now these are only a few select examples, there are plenty more to choose from - believe me.

When heading off to Mexico, I was determined that this was not going to be a holiday spent in agony due to the sun burn ripping my flesh off. A little red was acceptable, looking like Elmo's less hairy sister - not OK.

So, with some help from my three back up moms a.k.a sister, bestie and 9 year old niece ('Have you put your sun screen on? Don't lie.') I returned from holidays with an actual tan. And no one, no one, asked me if I had just been for a run when seeing my post holiday face. Winner.


Pale and interesting? Pffffff, it's for amateurs.

BROWN!