I love a good tan as unmodern as that might make me. Unfortunately, having a very typical Scandinavian complexion, my plans to come home from holiday with a golden glow generally result in me looking like a boiled crayfish. With blonde hair. That does not make it any cuter.
So, in spite of supposedly knowing much better by now, I still spend every holiday I have trying to accomplish a tan and to date this has resulted in the following:
- Mallorca 1999: Trying to tan wearing giant reflective sun glasses (they were uber cool - all of the Spice Girls had a pair) and no sun lotion.
- Lanzarote 2003: First holiday away from the parents and first ever holiday with the bestie. Parents come with their kids on their holidays for a reason. I believe that reason is to interfere with a 'No, SPF 6 is most definitely not sufficient'. This is also the trip where I discovered tequila - another reason my parents should have kept me home.
- Bulgaria 2004: Post graduation trip with the girls, was not only painful due to the poo smelling hotel, the neighbours crawling up on your balcony for a booty call at 3 am or the fact that we at average had to endure Dragostai Din Tei every 15 minutes from 6 AM until.... 6 AM. No, this is where Iearned the lesson that bikini line sun burn is the king of bad sun burn.
- Miami 2008: We were in Miami (bitch) and we were going to party it up between beach sessions. That came to an end on day 2 when the swelling prevented us from walking properly and we therefore remained in air conditioned house arrest, frantically trying to take the redness down by rubbing ourselves with cool soda cans from the mini bar and aloe vera:ing it up every 5 minutes in the vain hope that the blistard would soon go away. It took 2 seasons of America's Next Top Model for that to happen. Thank you for your support Tyra.
- Himalayas 2010: Never book holidays in the middle of a break up. You won't find yourself, trust me. In all fairness, I thought that during the rainy season trekking through the jungle up in the Himalayas, the least of my concern would be sunburn. Wild animals trying to kill me, falling of a mountain, getting lost were all more likely causes of agony. And whilst all of these happened, I again came to discover that that sun is one sneaky son of a... Did literally not see it once! But it clearly saw me.
Now these are only a few select examples, there are plenty more to choose from - believe me.
When heading off to Mexico, I was determined that this was not going to be a holiday spent in agony due to the sun burn ripping my flesh off. A little red was acceptable, looking like Elmo's less hairy sister - not OK.
So, with some help from my three back up moms a.k.a sister, bestie and 9 year old niece ('Have you put your sun screen on? Don't lie.') I returned from holidays with an actual tan. And no one, no one, asked me if I had just been for a run when seeing my post holiday face. Winner.
Pale and interesting? Pffffff, it's for amateurs.
BROWN! |
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