58. On The Line

18th February 2014, Calloh Callay, Shoreditch, London

I have always been sceptical with the idea of online dating. I get that these are modern times and I should accept that this is how people meet nowadays.

I do however prefer the old fashioned way of meeting men. In other words - getting smashed down the pub, meet a cute guy and wonder why the guy turning up for the following date is nowhere near as cute as you recall. Or as tall. Why are they always shorter the second time around?

Due to the already mentioned great concern with regards to my love life amongst friends and family, I allowed myself to get talked into it. And made someone else pay for the eHarmony subscription.

So, after a lot of boring, disgusting, random, peculiar and absurd messages from the single men of London (plus five from Essex and one from Kabhul...?) - someone actually came across as decent and normal. Yes, in the online dating world, I apparently give guys credit for 'normal'.

Anyway, Non Weirdo proposed a date after some semi rude messaging back and forth for a week or so. Still being not being sure about the whole online dating thing, I never the less  agreed to meet him for drinks.

It all seemed quite promising. He suggested Calloh Callay which is a venue I absolutely love - some fun nights have been had in there. This was not one of those nights.

There are some core rules to first dates that everyone should be aware of after the age of 12. Rules like don's eat garlic before the first date and if you must, do brush your teeth ahead of said date, don't open up the ex files at any stage and don't talk about intimate details such as male Brazilian wax jobs (true story).

Another one that I thought would be a given is not showing up high as a kite and disappearing to the bathroom every minutes for what I can only assume were top ups of unidentified, most likely white, substances.
If you do that, it really doesn't matter how much money your company is making. Oh yeah, repeatedly pointing out how much your company makes and what a catch you are - also not a thing to do for the first date.

Some other pointers when it comes to first dates for the clueless and obnoxious:

• Referring to the waiter and bar staff as 'lesser people' is generally a bad idea, unless you are certain your date believes in a class system where 'labourers' are unworthy of interacting with the 'better people'. Good luck finding that date in London anno 2014.
• Keep your shirt on. Just do.
• Don't try to snog a date who has already told you that she would rather want Patrick Bateman to walk her home. It is not a compliment.
• One text to check your date came home OK is cute. 10 are less cute.

In other words, if I started this off with scepticism it has now turned to actual fear. I will not be doing this again. Now if you excuse me, I have some cats to buy as that is clearly where my future lies.