13. A Proper Christmas Tree

21st December 2013, Shoreditch

If there is one thing I can not stand around the holidays, it's designer trees. Silver trees with one colour and shape baubles plus matching tinsel - do not bother trying to impress me with your lack of tree personality. 

Christmas trees should be three things to meet my very high standards:

1. Real. I don't care what some people try to tell themselves - plastic trees never look 'just like a real tree'. And that stuff you spray them with; no, it's doesn't smell 'just like a real tree'. The only tree it smells like are the paper ones you buy at German gas stations. And even those should be banned. 
2. Be over the fricking top: there is no such thing as 'too much' when it comes to Christmas trees. Anything goes. As long as it sparkles or wears a red hat - you're passing the Christmas tree demands.
3. Be out just a few days before Christmas. Christmas doesn't start in November folks.

So, after 28 years of playing the part of Christmas Tree Hitler to the world, it seemed like the time had come to actually get my own tree. 

 

Let's face it, I'm not going to drag a heavy tree across London in my stilettos. So instead I sent one of my trusted elves, a.k.a the Fatmate, out to get us a tree. And he did such a stellar job I'm considering putting him forever in charge of Christmas Spirit in all my future homes - he even sings carols. 

Taking this all very seriously we even sat down and made our own Christmas garlands forthe tree which added to the fabulous mix of glittering skulls, a very politically correct collection of Santa's, snowman shaped chocolates and baubles from all over the world. I only take full credit for the glittering multi color skulls.

Anyway, this is what a proper Christmas tree looks like:

 

A great collection of anything remotely Christmas-ey.
 

The goat is Chistmas-ey in the sense that he gave Swedish people their presents before Coca Cola invented Santa Claus.



The chief elf adding the star to the tree.