13. A Proper Christmas Tree

21st December 2013, Shoreditch

If there is one thing I can not stand around the holidays, it's designer trees. Silver trees with one colour and shape baubles plus matching tinsel - do not bother trying to impress me with your lack of tree personality. 

Christmas trees should be three things to meet my very high standards:

1. Real. I don't care what some people try to tell themselves - plastic trees never look 'just like a real tree'. And that stuff you spray them with; no, it's doesn't smell 'just like a real tree'. The only tree it smells like are the paper ones you buy at German gas stations. And even those should be banned. 
2. Be over the fricking top: there is no such thing as 'too much' when it comes to Christmas trees. Anything goes. As long as it sparkles or wears a red hat - you're passing the Christmas tree demands.
3. Be out just a few days before Christmas. Christmas doesn't start in November folks.

So, after 28 years of playing the part of Christmas Tree Hitler to the world, it seemed like the time had come to actually get my own tree. 

 

Let's face it, I'm not going to drag a heavy tree across London in my stilettos. So instead I sent one of my trusted elves, a.k.a the Fatmate, out to get us a tree. And he did such a stellar job I'm considering putting him forever in charge of Christmas Spirit in all my future homes - he even sings carols. 

Taking this all very seriously we even sat down and made our own Christmas garlands forthe tree which added to the fabulous mix of glittering skulls, a very politically correct collection of Santa's, snowman shaped chocolates and baubles from all over the world. I only take full credit for the glittering multi color skulls.

Anyway, this is what a proper Christmas tree looks like:

 

A great collection of anything remotely Christmas-ey.
 

The goat is Chistmas-ey in the sense that he gave Swedish people their presents before Coca Cola invented Santa Claus.



The chief elf adding the star to the tree.

12. Panto Me Happy

15th December, Hackney Town Hall, London

Apparently the fact that I have never been to panto is rather appaling. So says anyone that is born and raised in the UK, where panto is seemingly a Christmas staple. And here I thougt the Christmas staples of this country were limited to funny paper hats, Christmas jumpers and dry turkey roast. 

Living in Shoreditch, all cultural events are obviously at the ready. so I decided to force my most cultural friend with me to the Hackney Empire Rendition of Puss in Boot. Deep and insightful as you will not believe.

So,  no one told me this was a kiddie thing. They were everywhere. The cat in ugly foot wear even made them take part in the show. People should share this information. 
They should also point out that eyeing up hot dads is apparently inappropriate and that it is an 'limited use of F-word zone' beforehand. Just saying.

A great tip when going to panto; don't be so hungover when you arrive that you've only left bed an hour before the show starts and eat something beforehand - taking a nap midst sugar dips is not popular with parents. Also, you will struggle to shout 'BEHIND YOU' with the right level of enthusiasm and spend way too much time thinking about why the pre fairy cat still was the size of the donkey in the well scene. 

11. Bloody Marvellous

14th December 2013, Beard to Tail, Shoreditch

I do love a bit of brunch. Or, if we're going to be honest - I like the idea of drinking at what is basically breakfast time. More specifically, I like the idea of drinking Bloody Marys at 11 AM. 

To anyone who thinks mixing up a Bloody Mary is just a matter of pouring some tomato juice and chucking some vodka & tabasco in there - you clearly have only had the British Airways variety of a Bloody Mary. You are missing out.

Having drunk my way from Shoreditch to Chelsea over the years, I have been on a mission to find the best Bloody Mary in London for some time now. And I have found some very strong contenders - Kopapa in Covent Garden, Riding House Café in Soho, Hoxton Grill in Shoreditch - all have made me a very happy hungover girl in the past.

On Saturday, I was not so much hungover as I was recovering from a flu... Never the less, a girl has got to eat and since one of my west London girls had trekked all the way to Shoreditch from Maida Vale I obviously had to find us a cool hipster venue for brunch and gossip.

We wound up at the fabulous Beard and Tail and I jumped on the offer of their special Bloody Mary, also known as a Bloody Marvellous. And swear to God - this drink both cured my flu and my winter  related depression. Plus, the bartender was incredibly cute.

So good news for Beard and Tail as I will be spending much more time and money there now, bad news for all other London bars as their Bloody Mary sales will drop dramatically over the next few months.

Why do not other bars put their BM's in a pint sized glass and serve pork scratchings with them? It's genius. Pure genius.

You can literally see the fever leaving my body.

10. Advent = Adult

9th December 2013, Strängnäs/ Shoreditch

For all of you who do not know this- Swedes have rather odd Christmas traditions.

We once had a goat where Santa should be, we celebrate Christmas Eve rather than Christmas Day and we do so by watching the same rerun of old Disney clips over and over and over again. I'm happy being a weirdo though so I kind of love it.

One of the other things we do is celebrate advent every Sunday in the four weeks leading up to Christmas. Celebration may be a bit misleading, we basically light one candle out of four each Sunday and have mulled wine with loads of vodka in it. A winner in my books.

However, since moving out of my parents' house 10 years ago, I have neglected this tradition. Primarily based on the fact that my mum and dad have not flown to wherever in the world I was living at the time to light the candle, give me warm booze and do my laundry while they were at it.....

However, as much as I am part of the Peter Pan generation were growing up is the ultimate uncool - I decided I needed some fairly mature piece of furniture in my flat, and my Wonder Woman coasters do not count. So my very first own advent candlestick holder has been bought and I have even managed to light the candles twice. I decided that was grown up enough and that regular wine had to do....

My very grown up candle stick holder with my Christmas Goat named Randolph

 

Maybe lighting candles next to the hay goat was not my best plan......

 

9. Cinnamoffins

7th December 2013, Strängnäs

One of my oldest friends is that domestic goddess I will most likely never be. Always baking and it somehow always tastes great and looks pretty. Whilst I can only make brownies, as long as they don't have to look particularly inviting - the woman is fricking Betty Crocker.

Having known her for 22 years and counting (this is not because we're old. Or that old at least) I have kept hearing about this cinnamon bun and muffin hybrid she makes - without actually having tried them. So, after having had her hold my hair back during a very unfortunate trip to Bulgaria in 2004, having seen her had two lovely baby girls and having been a bride's maid at her wedding, but not having tried the cinnamoffins - I demanded them on my last visit.

Showing up at her and her husband's (oh my God, he's your husband now!) very grown up new house with a less than grown up hangover from the night before, I am served some much needed coffee and long sought after cinnamoffins. And boy were they amazing. Two of my best things combined in one and served on a silver platter.

Silver platter and all!

Two of my loveliest girls.

 

Sometimes things are just so good you have to stuff your entire little mouth full of them!

8. Sled Riding With the Little People

7th December 2013, Strangnas

For once when I've been back home in the winter have Sweden had the decency to snow on me!

Since my track record of crashing into things/things crashing into me is so stellar I obviously took the opportunity to take my nieces out and throw ourselves down hills on sleds. In the dark. Not considering the trees grown in the slopes. Or the rocks.

Firstly, when did I become an absolute sissy??? So I make my first attempt to go downhill being cocky as you will not believe - only to jump off the sled before it's even caught speed and instead I roll down hill in my not so winter appropriate gear. Next attempt - I jump off mid hill as it's getting steeper to do what any responsible grown up would do and let my 7 year old niece ride down by herself. And unlike her loser of an aunt she did not chicken out and jump off.

 

One little lady managing to get down hill without actually bringing her sled the whole way down.

And another little lady managing to stay upright! 

So, thank you Sweden for the snow - but even more so for the mulled wine back inside!

7. Double-No Seven

5th December 2013, Shoreditch

Apparently you must have seen a James Bond film once in your life.

So off to the DVD library it was to pick up Casino Royal following a survey amongst my friends on which one Bond film I had to see if any. To those of you who listed five - not helpful and let's face it, not going to happen.  

After what I initially believed to be my first ever Bond scene I had a distinct feeling of deja vu. I had tried this before. Only last time I fell asleep five minutes in and woke up when then-boyfriend tried to carry (roll, drag, whatever) me up the stairs and the movie was finished. After sitting through the entire thing, I understand why I struggled to stay awake at the first try. Bond is dull.

OK, it's not all bad. Daniel Craig in trunks getting out of the water - I can get onboard with that. I adore Judi Dench and one of the Bond girls was Swedish, I can totally relate to her (Totally. We're basically the same person).

However, not even if mr. Craig had worn nothing but trunks throughout and I had done a shot every time Mads Mikaelsen turned up had that been worth my time.

It needs to be noted that I was bored half to death in spite of downing a bottle of champagne during the first half of the film. And speaking of champagne - what is the deal with Bond drinking Bollinger?I support anyone drinking Bollinger 99% of the time, but surely he does martinis? No?

To sum it up; that was 2 hours of my time that I am never getting back and I will not revisit the 007 shelf at the DVD library.

Now if you excuse me, I'm going to spend the rest of my time at the airport googling 'Daniel + Craig + Trunks + Water'.

6. Pimp My Nails

5th December 2013, Nails Inc., London

So I've treated the idea of nail art with a lot of scepticism. During the 90's there were a fair few Ricky Lake guests, pretty much all named LaRondha, who could have easily have put me off for life.

There was the nail piercing phase (yes, it was a thing) once in the very early teens when I also considered Buffalo platforms the very height of cool, but always a firm no to all floral motifs, dip dyes and polka dots anywhere near my nails.

However - I think I've found the way to stylish nail (and semi rude) art, finally:

It was this or 'Merry X-Mas' - one is lame and Amazeballs is not. 

Hmmm.... May be a bit awkward if someone only sees the left hand....

 

5. Duck with Waffles

29th November, Duck & Waffle, London

As the name indicates, Duck & Waffle has a signature dish consisting of... Duck with waffles. And yes, it sounds odd as hell!

However, I strongly believe something like that has got to be tested, as weird as it might be. And after all, some people do swear by fried chicken and waffles - so how bad could it be?

Following some other rather odd dishes from their very inventive menu (pig ear crisps or foie gras cream brulee anyone?), there were the duck legs, on waffles, accompanied by a fried duck egg and maple syrup. Looks spectacular yet freaky but is delicious somehow. Who knew?

Duck, waffle, eggs and maple syrup.

I'm once more struggling to contain my excitement!

4. Heron Tower by Night

29th November, Heron Tower, London

For anyone who haven't been up there - the views from Sushi Samba and Duck & Waffle up in Heron Towers are absolutely amazing.

So far I have only been there during the day, but as I have heard that the views are so much more fantastic at night, I convinced the group out for the standard after work drinks to head for late night and high altitude dinner.

Hopefully the clip from the (very speedy) lift says it all!

3. Pop Up Pub

29th November, Craft Beer Social Club, London

As a Shoreditch girl, I love everything pop up. Pop up shops, pop up restaurants, pop up markets, pop up night club, you name it. But I somehow seem to always miss the pop up pubs when they frequently turn up in east London (I'm clearly not cool enough to find out where they are on time!).

So as I spot the Craft Beer Social Club on Shoreditch High Street, I of course insist that we have to make the detour through there when heading off to dinner.

For someone who is still into girl beer (read: Corona with lime) - perhaps a beer club is not the place to go, but the beers were actually really tasty and my gingerbread man embroidered jumper got me a very cute guy's phone number, so all in all - great detour!

I believe this place was a pop up burlesque store in the previous week...

No doubt what they serve in here!

Trying to contain my excitement...

 

Bit of a selection

Fancy Beer Heaven!

No Heineken here!

2. Cutting Down on Coffee

Starting 24th  November, London

To be honest, this started off as Quit Coffee. One day in - that was proven to be impossible.

I really love my coffee. But 6-8 cups a day may not be so healthy in the long run (or so I'm told). 

To sum it up, first week have gone as follows:

• Day 1: First and only coffee of the day from Vintage Bean by Brick Lane. Brick Lane is by the way probably the worst place to be for someone cutting down on coffee, but at least the cups you do get to have are fantastic yum. Surviving the day surprisingly well and can actually go to sleep at night!
• Day 2: Due to an extremely stressful morning my coffee has to come from the vending machine at work. Yuck. However, it does the trick and I'm fine until... 11 AM. Not so sure this is a good idea anymore.
• Day 3: So clearly it's not going to work getting my coffee in first thing in the morning if I want to get through the day. So holding out until 2 PM before I hit Taylor Street and using herbal tea as a replacement until then. Herbal tea sucks.
• Day 4: I really think mid day naps should be encouraged in more corporate policies. By the time I get to 2 a clock I am a zombie. When I finally get my coffee after jumping the massive queue at Taylor Street, I start resembling a human being again. For a whole hour.
• Day 5: I want to die.
• Day 6: OK, it's Friday. Friday is a good day. Also the last day of the week when any focus is required. And shockingly, I make it through the whole day with no coffee and I can therefore treat myself to an after dinner double espresso which is the drink of Gods.
• Day 7: This is actually getting better. I have not cried from lack of caffeine since day 5!

Still a slave under caffeine to an extent - but it sure seems to be getting there!

1. Oysters

22nd November, The Drift, London.

Right, so I know they're supposedly an absolute delicacy, but they do look a bit like giant boogers don't they? Not to mention that the idea of eating them always makes me think of the Walrus and the Carpenter and the baby oyster massacre, which is obviously not a very encouraging story as far as oyster eating goes.

However, as a lover of all seafood and anything that goes with champagne (as well as the champagne itself), maybe it's time to learn?

So, at it I went with my two favourite oyster experts of which one has once branded oysters 'better than sex'. It turns out she's a liar.

Overlooking the rather jiggly and gunky appearance of the oysters, they don't look too shabby. After all, there is a certain pearly shine to them, and I like pearls.
Then, in my mouth it goes and it was about as pleasant as swallowing a load of seawater. Only slimier. At least the champagne helped rinse it down...



Here we have them!



How bad can it be, really?



Here it goes....



Slurp!

OK - it's in my mouth.



Why on Earth did I put that in my mouth???



Wait, it's getting better...





Only that it's really not!

 

Survivor!